What you don't know about grief..
Updated: Aug 13, 2020
Grief Writing Class - Entry 2
What you saw was a TikTok dance video of my husband and me. What you thought was we must be doing much better, so that put your mind at ease.
What does not show is our eternal love for our first and only child, our son Miles. I wish I could show you that just because we have good days, doesn't mean our grief isn't still front and center, affecting our everyday lives.
What you say is, "It seems like you're getting back to your old self". What you don't fully understand is, that old self feels so so far away to me. Maybe I'm acting more normal to you, but this new normal to me is still shattered and realizing there's no putting together of the pieces. The pieces don't go together. Imagine mixing together 3 different puzzles, throwing them on the floor, and being expected to make a new puzzle from the mismatching pieces - that's our life now. It doesn't fit into an old version of me.
What you hear is me saying, "we are doing really well, these have been our best months"...since our tragedy. That's just it. Since the tragedy that set us back 100 steps. Steps that have now washed away into oblivion that can no longer be traversed. How I feel now can never compare to my best days before Miles died.
What you can't see or hear is a sadness that envelops everything. A cloud over life. Sometimes that cloud is bright and sunny, but sometimes that cloud is dark and dreary. Clouds can be beautiful and clouds can be scary. But there is always a cloud.