The sharpness of grief..
Grief writing - Entry 11
I hate most people, and I don't feel capable of 'behaving any better'.
I'm a realist and I pay attention. Grief may have made me even more bitter than I was before, but seriously, what the hell?
If Miles had lived and he happened to have a baby that died, I would have shown up, time and time again. I wouldn't have tried a couple of times and then blamed his partner for the lack of connection. I would have called and visited and remembered their baby every month and on the birthday and death anniversary.
I would have called my son and asked him how he is doing. I would not have avoided death or my feelings or grief. Death needs people to show up, consistently, and reliably. Grief needs patience and grace, not excuses and avoidance.
As a friend, I would have called or sent a note, but I wouldn't have stopped there, like a box that got checked and never needed to be revisited. I would continue to care about my friend and ask how they are feeling. I would have told my friend that I was thinking about them and their baby. I wouldn't have stopped.
At least now that I have seen horrible grief, I like to think I wouldn't have been like the dozens of people who have abandoned me in my grief. I'm able to talk about real things. I'm able to listen about real feelings without changing the subject. It's really not that hard to support a friend or family member. Yet, I'm not receiving much anymore. There are some, but that's not who this prompt is about.
Fuck everyone who has left me here without their support.